Out in Centre Field

Random thoughts about our seemingly random culture

Name:
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Everyone is Beautiful

Everyone is beautiful
In some way
Even if no one is perfect.

You might be beautiful because of:

The perfect colour of your eyes,
  Or the spark and twinkle that lies behind those eyes,
    full of passion and fire.
The mischievous curl of your lips,
  Or the words that come out of your mouth,
    full of thought and reason.
The sexy shape of your breasts,
  Or the heart that beats beneath them,
    full of compassion and love.
The soft touch of your hands,
  Or the warmth of your arms,
     full of reassurance and comfort.


... or a combination of the above.

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Thursday, April 07, 2011

Life Imitates Art (Canadian Politics Edition)

(Wrote this as a reply to someone's status about someone's tweet about Harper):
It's like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer and Apu go to the first ever convenience store so that Apu can get his job back.

Harper: You may ask me five questions.
Press: Only 5?
Harper: Yes
Press: Really?
Harper: Yes.
Press: Really?
Harper: Yes.
Press: Really?
Harper: Yes.
Press: Really?
Harper: Yes. Thank you. Come again.
Press: What?
Harper: And now my low level staff will escort you out of the building without my knowledge or consent.

Monday, March 28, 2011

(Randomly Made Up) Canadian Political Party Slogans

Vote Liberal ...
... No Vision. No Ideas. Harper is Evil.
... Let Us Pretend to Love You Again.
... Ivory Towers Will Protect Canada!
... Adscam, Shmadscam.

Vote Conservative ...
... Accountability: No! Transparency: No! Coalition: No!
... Envelopes of Money for Our Corporate Friends!
... For More of the Ol' In-and-Out.
... Coalitions are so 2004. 2011 is the Year of the Majority.

Vote NDP ...
... Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack!
... We've Never Had a Chance to Screw You!

Vote Green ...
... Election in May. Elizabeth May. That's no Coincidence.
... Please Don't Ignore Us!

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Saturday, March 19, 2011

Randomly Made Up Excerpts from Bristol Palin's Upcoming Book

[[ Yes, it's satire/parody! ]]

I first met John McCain, when came to visit with his wife, Cindy, and daughter, Meghan. He was so polite and gentlemanly to everyone, especially me. However, the moment I remember the most was when I gently nudged my mom to ask her if she was going to make stew or chili out of him because he sure smelled like a dead caribou.

Her reply? "Honey. This man is my ticket out of this dead caribou of a state. No more dealing with the bullshit Dumbo-crats and their bullshit investigations. Mamma Grizzly needs a whole new outfit and this man is going to give it to her, and then some".

=====

Meghan had a certain confidence about her that I envied. She knew she wasn't perfect. In fact, I think she might have been bigger than me, even back then. However, it didn't seem to faze her. She didn't come across as someone who needed to sleep with a guy named after the brand of jeans his mother was wearing when he was conceived, just to feel wanted and accepted.

Looking back, I think the time I spent talking with her gave me the confidence I needed to say, "yes" when "Dancing with the Stars" came calling. I was still a little self-conscious having to wear those skin tight outfits in front of millions of people, of course. She made me feel sexy just being me. (Hey, I have to give the liberal bloggers something to blog about).

=====

What a two-faced bitch my mom is. In front of the cameras, it's all "I support Bristol on DWTS!" and "She's doing a great job!" but back home, it's all "You better not be stealing the spotlight from me, missy!" and "Your dancing's so-so, but it won't get you laid like it did for me back in high school!"

=====

Mom and I took Trig to see Santa Claus. We were having a great time until "Santa", not once, not twice, but THREE times called me a ho! I was flabbergasted, but mom took care of it.

She reminded me that he was probably a socialist commie. "I mean, he wears a RED suit and gives stuff away to people every year ... just for 'being good'".

When we got back home, Trig asked me, "Mommy, are you sure I'm the retarded one in this family?"

I had to remind him that we had to pretend that I was his older sister, and that "retarded" is a very bad word. "No one is retarded except for liberals", I told him.

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Sunday, August 15, 2010

Frank and Anne's (Not So Excellent) Adventure with Delta Airlines (Part 1)

It all started innocently enough. I got an email from Delta (who "merged" with Northwest) that some of my Skymiles (transferred for Northwest) were going to be expiring in the near future. So, we decided to use them for the family vacation with Anne's sister's family in Kansas City, MO (with a car trip to Springfield, MO for the Happy Pig Collectors Club Convention). Anne tried to book the tickets, but didn't have enough Skymiles to book for both herself and myself. She could find no easy way to use both of our Skymiles during the booking. (The only way that we could find was to transfer the points from my Skymiles account to her Skymiles account, but only if we paid a fee). So, she called the 1-800 number and spoke to someone who eventually booked two separate reservations and told Anne that she would have to pay the taxes and fees. It came out to about $70, and when Anne asked if it was $70 each or for both, was told that it was for both. That was a pleasant surprise, considering that my "free" trip to Washington D.C. a few years ago via Airmiles was over $200 per person in taxes.

Then we thought nothing of it until a day (or possibly two) before the flight. I got a confirmation email from Delta asking us to check in, and which had our assigned seats for both legs of the flight. One of us was in 11C and the other in 11D for the first leg.

On the day of the flight, we showed up at the airport about 1.5 hours before the flight is supposed to leave. We figured that's enough time because the Delta line is usually quite short, and this time around was no exception. I handed in all the required documentation, and then watched the agent at the check-in desk struggle with trying to check Anne in. After a few minutes, I asked her what the problem is. "Your wife's ticket was not issued".

"How can that be when we got an email saying she is in seat 11C?" I asked. The check-in agent merely shrugged. At this point, Anne took over, and I spent time trying playing with Aiden near the front of the check-in line. The check-in agent let Anne use the phone at the counter to call the Delta Helpdesk. She was put on hold until another check-in agent notified Anne that it looks like she got disconnected. When she called back in and mentioned that she was disconnected, they blamed it on her "cell phone". At this point, I took Aiden to have him *ahem* aired out.

When I returned, she told me that apparently, they only charged her credit card for $70 once, and it was actually $70 per person. (And, oh, by the way, due to FAA regulations about checking in an hour prior to the flight, we were no longer able get onto our original flight). Anne also told me that she was this close to buying two tickets to Kansas City for $2900 each (no refunds allowed). The check-in agent had her credit card in hand, and had started the order when Anne was told by the Delta help desk that they had resolved the issue.

Then we had another problem. The flight we got booked on was scheduled to leave in 30 minutes, and the line through US Customs/Immgration was exceedingly long because of "computer problems". We made it through in about 45 minutes. Luckily, the flight was delayed and we reached the gate just as they started general boarding. Unfortunately, in our rush to the gate, we forgot that we were forced to take off Aiden's monkey leash/backpack to put through the x-ray machine, and ended up leaving that behind. (Luckily, there are Wal-mart's in the US, so we were able to easily replace it).

We landed in Memphis with about a half an hour layover, and no idea of where our next gate was. Anne took Aiden to *ahem* air him out, and I went to look for the gate, which took all of 3 seconds (after I found the flight monitors). When Anne came back, I told her, "Good news and bad news. The bad news is that the flight has been delayed by two and a half hours. The good news is that the gate is right next to us .. and they will be bringing out the snacks at 8 pm". We went for dinner, and by the time we returned at around 8 pm, we noticed that all the stores and restaurants were closing, even the Starbucks.

So, we sat and waited, and put Aiden to sleep and waited. By 9 pm there was still no snacks. Somewhere in all the waiting, the flight got delayed by another 30 minutes. I took a walk around the terminal with Aiden, and heard lots of four letter words directed at Delta, as well as promises to never use them again. When I returned from my walk, they announced that the flight had been canceled, but there's nothing we could do at the moment, because it's not official until they get everyone rebooked, but at least the snacks had arrived. A few minutes later, they announced something to the effect of, "Good news, everybody. We have a hotel room for everyone. Just go down to a different gate to get your hotel vouchers". Anne headed off, as I was the one that managed to get Aiden to fall asleep in my arms. About 45 minutes later, there were whispers that contrary to what was announced, they were out of hotel rooms, because they had actually canceled 4 flights that night. (I heard from other passengers later on that the hotels rooms were literally disappearing as the check-in agents were checking for hotel room availability). Then they announced that the gate everyone was lined up at was being closed and we had to go to the check-in counters at the front of the airport.

Anne came back to get me, and was now beyond frustrated - the one person that people who've known her since at least high school that was thought to be unflappable was in tears. Luckily, there was still an agent left at the original departure gate, because she was able to actually hook us up with a hotel room, and tell us that our flight is at 7 pm the next day, or at least one of them is. Remember when Anne was forced to split the reservation into two? Well, that means Delta didn't know that we were supposed to leave on the same flight, hopefully in seats next to each other. The gate agent managed to fix that up and get us on an American Airlines flight for 7:30 am, but we still had to go to the front check-in and get a FIM (Flight Interruption Manifest), which apparently is a piece of paper that we have to give to American Airlines so that they will give us an actual boarding pass.

Anne is lined up at the front check-in, and I sat around listening to the horror stories. A group of people had come back from the Holiday Inn that they were sent to because it was full. They have to wait in line again to get a different hotel. Another group were told by Holiday Inn that they were indeed full, so, no, they wouldn't be sending the shuttle to pick them up. Around this time, Delta was paging for all agents to go to the front check-in counter, as the line was getting longer and longer.

Anne finally made it to the front of the line, and explained that we need a FIM. She was told to go down to another counter because the agent at the counter had no idea what we were talking about. So, off we went, and at the next counter, we got someone who actually knew what we were talking about. However, she couldn't really help us, except to call somewhere else, and she was promptly put on hold.

Finally (yes, I know I am using that word a lot), we were told that everything is okay and handed the FIM, except that it was only for Anne (again, due to the splitting up of the reservation). So, the agent was back on hold trying to get my FIM. While on hold, she was chatting with another agent who had just showed up. They were now chatting and laughing. Suddenly, more and more agents started to show up (about 30 - 45 minutes after the original page and with the original lineup mostly gone). There was more chatting and laughing, and I'm told later by another passenger, the filling in of overtime forms. To make matters worse, as we were waiting for my FIM, we are told that the 50 additional hotel rooms they found have all been taken, but our check-in agent assured us that as long as we had our hotel voucher, we should get a room. She then handed me my FIM.

So, off we went to the hotel they found for us. The taxi drivers were making a killing that night. We got four taxi vouchers for $30 per person. Our driver didn't even bother to turn the meter on. When we arrived at the hotel, the taxi driver asked for two vouchers, and gave us a promise that "his friend" would come back first thing tomorrow to take us back to the airport. His friend turned out to be him. So, he made $120 for a round trip that someone told me is about $36.

And awaiting us at the hotel? Another line, and near the front of the line, was a family I recognized. They had left at least 30 minutes before us. When we got to the front of the line, a couple came back to the front desk and asked, "Is there another room 215? There's already people sleeping in the one we went to". We did get our room around 2:00 am, and had about 10 minutes to enjoy the beautiful view of Memphis (and complain on Facebook) before we set the alarm for 5:30 am, and tried to get some sleep.

And ... fade to black with "to be continued" ...

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Monday, December 01, 2008

In Memory of Grandma

The following article was published in a Hong Kong newspaper. My dad wrote it in memory of my grandma, his mother, who recently passed away. The funeral was one of the few times I've ever seen him cry, and truly see how deep his love for her was. He's always taught my brother and I about the importance of family, and the unconditional love and sacrifice that should exist for our family. He lived by those lessons everyday, sacrificing a successful career in China to come to Canada, to work two jobs, so that his children had a chance to be something more.

Unfortunately, the article is in Chinese, so I can't read it. Probably one of the biggest regrets of my life is that I don't know enough Chinese to share my poetry with him, and he doesn't know enough English to share his writings with me.

So, I'm posting the article here, in hopes that someone can translate it for me, so that it can be something that my dad and I can share. Thanks.

兩位老人 姚船

這里說的兩位老人家,並非什麽名人,但在我的內心,卻是繫着情感深處最值得尊敬和懷念的長輩。她倆就是我的母親和姨媽。

外婆的七名子女中,姨媽最大,我母親是么女,相差近二十歲,儼然像母女般。認識姨媽和母親的朋友都說,她們兩人長相完全不同,性格迥異。以前我也這麽想,可不久前母親病重瀰留之際,看着她恍似一下子變得枯瘦,皺紋肆意伸延的臉龐和神色黯然的眼睛,突然間發現這張臉和三十年前躺在病床上的姨媽極為相似。而且,兩個人都走得很平靜安詳。

其實,母親和姨媽最相似之處,在於命運之神的遺棄,上半生道路坎坷不平,極其艱難困苦。外婆家在貧窮的鄉下,日子本就不好過,加之子女多,生活更加艱澀。姨媽年輕時嫁到城市,姨丈是厨師,本以為從此走上脫貧之路,誰知表哥這個獨子還年少的時候,姨丈因中風導致癱瘓,在床上一躺就是十二年。姨媽既要做手工養家餬口,又要照顧病人、撫養孩子,生活的重擔壓得她矮小瘦弱的身驅過早有點佝僂,滿臉皺紋,凡事逆來順受,苦水盡往肚里吞。

而母親小時,外公外婆相繼去世。雖有兄嫂拉扯一把,但幼小心靈從未享受過歡樂。十八歲時由姨媽作主,也嫁到城市來。起初生活尚算安定,生下我們姐弟兄妹三個孩子。原想苦盡甘來,殊不知天有不測風雲。一九四五年八月,父親乘坐抗戰勝利後從汕頭開出的第一艘輪船往香港做生意,不幸輪船半途失火沉沒,父親葬身大海,從此沓無音訊。恍似晴天霹靂,當時母親才二十五歲,三個孩子小不更事,家中還有一個阿嬤,家庭重擔一下子全落在她一人身上。

母親抹掉眼淚,咬緊牙根,決心獨力把孩子撫養成人。她外出打工,又靠親戚一點幫助,艱難過日子。實在捱不下去,就先帶我姐姐往香港謀生。不久,阿嬤去世。後來,妹妹也被接往香港,而戴着紅領巾的我,卻選擇留下在華僑學校住宿讀書。母親在車衣廠拼命工作。可以想像,那十幾年,她遭受的壓力、承受的痛苦有多大。

姨媽和母親像舊社會千千萬萬在苦難中掙扎的中國婦女一樣,磨煉得更加堅强,只是兩人脾性欲幾乎完全相反。也許是環境使然,母親腰板硬,一直到老年雙眼仍炯炯有神,說話大聲大氣。

由於家人都在香港和海外,在國內工作的時候,我有空常到姨媽家去。那時她己生活無憂,姨甥倆冲一壺功夫茶閒話聊天。她從不說教,有時談到往事,卻有一句話常掛在嘴話,似乎要我牢記心里。她輕聲慨嘆:é俗話說,求人如吞三寸劍。所以不管碰到什麽事,我都不敢隨便向人開口。û 姨媽去世隔年,我也來到加拿大。在最初幾年與母親一起生活中,我發現她的處事方式與姨媽截然不同,但奇怪的是,她也常常引用那句俗語來警戒我。當然,她的表達方式直接了當:é求人如吞三寸劍。手在自己身上,凡事不要靠別人,自已努力!û

也許這是他們兩人在險惡人生路上的切身體會和經驗。有言道,é富在深山有人尋,窮在路邊無人認。û 正是說出這個道理。在人心叵惻,笑貧不笑娼的社會,真正肯於向沒錢缺糧的孤兒寡婦伸出援手的人少之又少。幸而弱者有堅強信念和不屈不撓精神,可以在挫折和奮鬥中迎來生命中新的一頁。每每想起姨媽和母親的話,想起她們前半生艱苦的歷程,我心中自然萌生起一股努力向上的力量。

幸運的,姨媽和母親的後半生都能過着安定自在的生活,而且,她們並沒有把周圍的世界看得很黯淡,更無半點疾惡如仇和報復的心態,而是珍惜在漫漫長路中人們曾經給予的那怕只是一絲的溫情和善意。她們常唸叨的另一句共同的話是:é渴時一點如甘露。要幫助有困難的人,那怕只是一點點。û

記得在上世紀六、七十年代,國內經濟生活困難,物資緊絀,姨母家因為有 é南風窗û ( 表兄在香港,可提供一些米、油等生活必需品的支援。) 生活不很匆迫,但她自己仍節衣縮食,把積蓄起來的零用錢和少量物資,支援鄉下比較困難的親戚。

母親晚年住在加拿大政府提供的,讓能自理日常生活的老人居住的大厦,其開朗爽直、樂於幫助病弱者的性格,得到同厦老人的讚賞。每每我們送去好吃的東西,她馬上拿去跟其它人分享。倘知道某位老人的兒女或親戚是新移民,她都會主動送衣送物。碰到慈善機構籌款,母親也會慷慨解囊。當她在電視中看到四川大地震的悲惨場面,頻頻搖頭歎息,雖然身在病榻,無法外出,但還托人捐出一百元加幣,略表心意。整理母親遺物的時候,我們無意中看到有關單位寄來的捐款收據,敬重之情更難以言表。好幾位老人牽着我們的手說:é真捨不得姚婆婆走!û 我們做子女的,自然更體會這種心情。

我走過的人生路,差不多一半在國內,一半在海外。三十年東方,三十年西方。前段和姨媽親近,後段親近母親。我深深體會到她倆身上散發出來的中國式母親平凡而偉大的品格。不管她們身處何方,都能含莘茹苦,以驚人的意志披荊斬棘,犧牲自己,為子女開創出一片新天地。而她們更以自己的慈愛,被及周圍的人。真愛感人,大愛無邊。這就是中國母親傳統的智慧和美德。

我懷念姨媽,懷念母親。而那些像她們一樣,為後輩留下珍貴精神遺產的海內外中國式母親們,也值得我永遠謳歌。

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Happy Pig Collectors Club Convention 2008

It started all the way back in July 2007, when the HPCC convention goers went against convention and decided that Canada would be a good place to have the 2008 convention. Really? Even with the new US passport requirements? Even with the soaring price of gasoline, and the outrageous prices to fly into Toronto? You sure?

Okay. If you're sure, we would love to have you!

Then, suddenly July 2008 rolled around, and much to my surprise, everything was planned, booked, reserved, and generally ready. Being rookie convention organizers, I was expecting some forgotten detail to bring the convention to a screeching halt. I was encouraged by the fact that Anne was the brains of the operation, and I was just the muscle.


The traditional get-together for early birds was at Remezzo, an Italian restaurant near our house. The highlight for some of the restaurant patrons was Jim's Pig Mobile. The highlight for us was having the chance to catch up with our pig collecting friends again. There was no awkward silence, or need to break the ice. I think we were all happy to be able to talk about our pigs without getting weird looks, or the infamous question, "What collecting?"



Friday was the official start of the convention, but I had forgotten to book that day off, and my usually accommodating co-worker was unable to cancel his plans to take his son to St. Thomas to see Thomas the Train. I did still have the pleasure of meeting some of the more eager conventioneers early Friday morning. (Oh. Did I mention the unexpected guest we got during breakfast that turned Anne as (proverbially) white as a sheet?) Then some boring things happened to me at work ... but before I knew it, it was time for lunch.

Lunch was originally meant as a creative way to save money - a picnic in one of Toronto's beautiful parks on a beautiful sunny day. It was a great time for everyone to mingle and schmooze. Simple, quiet ... what's that? I can't hear you over George's homemade propane burner.


... then I had to pack up and go back to work, while everyone went on the Hippo Tour. I gathered from the pictures that everyone enjoyed themselves, though it also sounded like taking the subway was an adventure in itself.



At about 5 pm, we all met up at The Purple Pig for dinner. There were pigs everywhere, from the moment we walked into the restaurant. The chalk drawings around the restaurant provided photo-ops for everyone. The mouth-watering food came out at a brisk pace, and disappeared at an even faster pace. After a while, the food was not even making it to the buffet table anymore. The wait staff were being flagged down as they brought the food into the room. Ribs. Wings. Pizza. And to think, we might have chosen a different restaurant were it not for the name.



After dinner, I drove some people back to their car at Fairview Mall. And as I waited for Anne, I watched as people went by, some excitedly pointing at Jim's Pig Mobile. When Jim returned to the Pig Mobile, he discovered that someone had left him a congratulatory note on his windshield. Apparently, this happens to Jim and SuAnne all the time.



Saturday was a blur for me. It started with the pig sale, and we were definitely concerned that the room wasn't big enough for everyone. The hotel owner actually came downstairs to check out the sale, as her daughter was a pig fan. After that I was off to get food from Mr. Greek, and after lunch, we headed home to get ready for all our visitors.



Most of the time, people are surprised at the number of pigs in our house. That afternoon, it was different. The conventioneers were more interested in how the pigs were displayed, and we got compliments, and not just polite-because-you-are-the-host ones.


Then it was off to Lin Garden to get dinner. The lady there yelled at me for putting the trays of food into my backseat. Of course, I wasn't listening, but when I got to the hotel, I suddenly understood what she was talking about. She was trying to tell me that the trays were full of sauce, and I had to lay them flat. Well, I had at least two weeks after the convention to learn that lesson, as it took as least that long to air and Frebreze the smell of garlic sauce out of the fabric in the back seat.


By Saturday night, I was getting tired. I decide to skip the meeting and sit outside with other like-minded husbands. Well, that peace and quiet didn't last very long, as I was verbally dragged back to the meeting room in short order.


We finally got to the real reason we had all congregated in a dumpy little hotel in the outskirts of Toronto - to vote for Janet Booth. She campaigned early and hard, and most of all, she gave us all candy!


And of course, if the elections and official business weren't enough excitement, we also had the raffle, where we picked up (and received) piggy baby stuff, so that we could start the pig indoctrination early.

In the end, there were some missed details, both forgotten, and unforeseeable, but over all, I would like to brag that the convention was a success!


Thanks to everyone who attended this year. Our greatest regret was that we didn't have enough time to talk to everyone. We look forward to making up for that next year in WI!


- frank and anne

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