Randomly Made Up Excerpts from Bristol Palin's Upcoming Book

[[ Yes, it's satire/parody! ]]

I first met John McCain, when came to visit with his wife, Cindy, and daughter, Meghan. He was so polite and gentlemanly to everyone, especially me. However, the moment I remember the most was when I gently nudged my mom to ask her if she was going to make stew or chili out of him because he sure smelled like a dead caribou.

Her reply? "Honey. This man is my ticket out of this dead caribou of a state. No more dealing with the bullshit Dumbo-crats and their bullshit investigations. Mamma Grizzly needs a whole new outfit and this man is going to give it to her, and then some".

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Meghan had a certain confidence about her that I envied. She knew she wasn't perfect. In fact, I think she might have been bigger than me, even back then. However, it didn't seem to faze her. She didn't come across as someone who needed to sleep with a guy named after the brand of jeans his mother was wearing when he was conceived, just to feel wanted and accepted.

Looking back, I think the time I spent talking with her gave me the confidence I needed to say, "yes" when "Dancing with the Stars" came calling. I was still a little self-conscious having to wear those skin tight outfits in front of millions of people, of course. She made me feel sexy just being me. (Hey, I have to give the liberal bloggers something to blog about).

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What a two-faced bitch my mom is. In front of the cameras, it's all "I support Bristol on DWTS!" and "She's doing a great job!" but back home, it's all "You better not be stealing the spotlight from me, missy!" and "Your dancing's so-so, but it won't get you laid like it did for me back in high school!"

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Mom and I took Trig to see Santa Claus. We were having a great time until "Santa", not once, not twice, but THREE times called me a ho! I was flabbergasted, but mom took care of it.

She reminded me that he was probably a socialist commie. "I mean, he wears a RED suit and gives stuff away to people every year ... just for 'being good'".

When we got back home, Trig asked me, "Mommy, are you sure I'm the retarded one in this family?"

I had to remind him that we had to pretend that I was his older sister, and that "retarded" is a very bad word. "No one is retarded except for liberals", I told him.